As I am writing this opening sentence it is half past midnight.

Throughout my life I have often ‘suffered’ from insomnia. It is a rare occurrence for me now. Usually, I sleep well and deeply. I have tricks and routines for the odd night when I fear sleep will elude me; herbal sleep tea, EFT, breathing techniques and so on, but every now and then I just know.

Not tonight.

Often, I just lie in the dark, listening to the night, my husband snoring beside me. I figure if I am lying there, I will be resting anyway.

But sometimes it is just better to get up and go into another room.

So here I am, in the light of my desk lamp, with Alexa providing some gentle background music, writing. There are two Labradors and a cat snoring in this room!

I am not sure what exactly is keeping me from my slumber tonight, but all day I have been aware of a feeling, an ache which has settled in my chest, a yearning.

Definition:

yearning (noun)

1. a feeling of intense longing for something

This feeling is huge. Something undefined and hard to grasp.

I could pin it on some of the things that are going on around me. The news of a dear friend who is unwell. Another friend mourning her son who she lost a year ago. Another old friend whose wife has just left him after 37 years of marriage. My compassion sometimes overwhelms me.

It could just be that my 65th birthday is looming, and it feels big and scary – but to be honest, after the year I have had, I am more than grateful to be here celebrating it!

But this yearning feels immense. Much bigger than the things I have listed. I feels as though I am sensing all the sadness in the world.

Yet it is OK. We can never deny that sadness exists; it is part of our human experience. There is cruelty. There is hate. But we can create balance in this gloriously flawed world.

For some time now I have been existing in a state of joy and love. It does not feel as though it is something I can control. It is innate. Built in.

It does not mean that we ignore or disregard the bad or unpleasant things, but we can learn from them.

Last week I caught a couple of minutes of a TV program where someone was showing a presenter around his garden and revealed the source of a river. He reached down and parted some grass to show a spring bubbling up from a hole in the ground. All around the garden was lush and green and beautiful.

That’s how my joy feels, it bubbles up in the centre of my chest and feeds all my emotions.

If I feel sad it comforts me.

If I am happy it bubbles up more fiercely.

If I am angry it calms me.

It can bring laughter and tears.

Tonight, it is wrapping around my yearning which feels so deep and all-consuming.

Sit quietly and breathe.

Fall in love with that silence inside you and let the joy and love bubble up like that stream. It will feed you and everyone around you and flow out into the universe.

It is a source of healing.

And hopefully, as it flows, it will bring sleep.

Night all x

Image by Merlin Lightpainting from Pixabay