Something happened to me in London last week. On a hot Wednesday night in a beautiful church in the centre of the city. It was a culmination of an incredible six months. Months which have challenged and terrified me but have also brought me so much beauty and joy that at times they have taken my breath away.

I was in London to finally meet one of my spiritual heroes, Michael Neill. I have spent many hours on calls with Michael over the last six years. So much so that Dylan recognises his voice! When he was tiny I would hold him in my arms while listening.

But I digress.

Michael asked us to consider a question.

‘Who are you?’

Sounds simple enough. Right? But take a moment to really think about it.

WHO ARE YOU?

When I grew up in the 60’s and 70’s I kind of knew how my life was meant to go.

I would go to school. Then university. I would study hard. I might rebel a bit while at Uni, sow my wild oats, get it out of my system.

Then I would get a job.

I would stay living at home with my happily married parents.

I would meet the man of my dreams around the age of 21 and we would be married when I was 23.

I would continue to work for a couple of years, then I would have a couple of kids (ideally a boy first and then a girl) and give up work until they were grown, with my husband, the breadwinner, taking care of all of us.

The once the kids were grown and off to university themselves, I would find a low-paid, stress-free, part-time job to tide me over to retirement when I was 60.

I mean, none of it was set in stone. It was just how I believed people lived.

My reality was very different.

My parents very sadly divorced when I was 16.

I went to work in a ‘safe job’ (remember those?) in a bank where my little spark of ambition was quashed by the misogynistic rules that also assumed I would get married at 21 and start having babies soon after…

My rebellion took the form of some pretty disastrous relationships throughout my 20s which led to me believe that marriage was not for me, and an addiction to workplace stress which would stay with me until my late 50s!

Finally marrying at the age of 31 and having a baby at 36 (a girl), and only taking 7 weeks off, because I was the main breadwinner…

As for retirement at 60…well I will be 65 in a few weeks, and will still have another year before my state pension kicks in.

Not exactly the well-trodden, smooth path I thought was laid out before me!

For most of my life I felt that all of this was my fault. That I was somehow being punished for some misdemeanour or flaw in my character. I made some horrendous mistakes and my favourite occupation for many years was to beat myself with a very large and very pointy stick called SHAME,

‘Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefor unworthy of love and belonging’ – Brene Brown

Six years ago, when we moved to live in Morecambe. I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. An exploration of Penny. At times self-centred, yes. But everything I have learned along the way has taught me to be kinder, more compassionate, more loving, more connected to everything. It has not all be easy, but it has been a good journey.

My experiences over the last six months have caused me to wobble, there is no doubt. But at the same time, I have found myself more deeply rooted in the present, which is the only place to be.

You know that feeling when your toes sink into the cool sand at the water’s edge on a hot day. The more you wiggle your toes, the deeper you sink into the sand. And every now and then a big wave threatens to soak you from head to toe, but its ok because you are firmly rooted, and even if you fall, the sand is soft, and the water is gentle.

When Michael asked that question in that sacred place on Wednesday I felt a wave rush in. It took my breath away. It was scary and refreshing at the same time.

I wiggled my toes hard.

If the only thing people learned, was not to be afraid of their experience, that alone would change the world. ~Sydney Banks.

Much of my life has been lived being afraid. Scared of being noticed, worried about not being noticed. Fearful of speaking out in case I look stupid, or too frightened to speak up when I really should have done.

This fear paralysed me on many occasions. Feeling that I was somehow less because my life had not followed what I mistakenly believed was the correct path.

I know now that I am amazing. Totally awesome. And so are all of you.

You know those small moments of awe and wonder we all experience?

 Gazing into our baby’s eyes…

Watching a tree rustle in the breeze…

Listening to music that fills you with so much emotion you can hardly breathe…

Walking out into a hot summer night and seeing the sunset over Morecambe Bay…

Inhaling the heady fragrance of a rose…

<insert your moments here>

These moments are the moment when we can reach out and touch something ephemeral, when we have a sense of something bigger, another dimension. When we let go of all pretence and let our souls breathe.

So, who am I?

I am magical. I am pure possibility. Creativity. Love. I am anything and everything that I am meant to be. And more.

And so, my friend, are you.